Today July 26, 2001 ten years ago was my little brothers homecoming in Heaven.... as I type at 9:27 this time 10 years ago Michael was working on the very job that he would lose his  life on Earth to, but gain his   eternal life. 
On this day I look back every single year, and remember in detail the events of this day. ........
I see the finger prints of God as he so greatly orchestrated my brothers homecoming... I see how He (God) gave me nuggets of special times with my brother, before he made his journey to his eternal home, and nuggets to help with with the process of healing.

Michael was a young 20 .. literally had just turned 20 on July 5. He had just had a birthday dinner at my
house.. I had made him a nice birthday dinner and a cake.. he wasn't much on cakes, but he loved an old recipe my grandmother made .. a pumpkin bundt.. so that's what I made him...

The week of his death is forever etched on my heart and mind... I had this crazy idea that someday this would all go away, but I now know it wont..So I embrace....
I embrace those nuggets in time.. that were Gods loving hand, in a loss that seemed cruel and unfair. You see, just 6 years prior I lost my big brother James on Aug. 13, 1995, he was shot in the chest.
A senseless death ...A death that changed the coarse of so many lives.. I watched as deaths finality stole the smile, and hope and the future from my dearest family members, as death left a hole, a black void , an empty seat at the table, it stole the most beautiful blue eyes, and the " who me" grin I had ever seen... We lost on that day in Aug. ... a very real loss..a very Large loss....
So six years later on a very hot July 26 ,01... tragedy knocked at my door again.. I didn't want to let him in.. he was cruel, and ruthless.. he had no limits .. that tragedy named death left a nagging sting that was painful , intense, and persistent. So this time I said NO.. you cant , and will not come in.. I fought bitterly ... I put up the best fight I had... but I could not win.
Michael left us on Thursday.. I will Never forget the every detail.. that led up to that day..
I was diagnosed with malignant Melanoma on Tuesday, I was scared and some what apprehensive .. when the doctor had called me that Tuesday night at 8 o'clock I heard the sense of urgency in his voice, and it scared me... he said I needed surgery immediately. All I could think out at that time was my three babies.. Bailey my third little one was only 5 months old.. my kids needed their momma. Fear tried to set in , for I had the spot on me for two years prior.. I had a gut feeling it wasn't good.. so I researched Melanoma, and found out what an aggressive cancer it is, and how quickly it attacks the vital organs.. I was scared....
My friend Kim from church took me to the alter to pray for me that Wednesday, but she said she didn't think it was for my cancer, but wasn't sure why , she just needed to pray for me.. little did she know in 24 hours I would face the greatest loss of my life...
Thursday July 26.. greeted us with incredibly high temperatures that day.. it started as a typical day , nothing to unusual... my husband ( now  ex )  worked nights, so we were doing some running around town that day and he asked if I wanted to run to my moms, which lived about 15 minutes from there at the time.. I thought that to be incredibly odd cause it wasn't something he did normally, but I said sure  lets run by.. funny but my little sister and little brother Tony ( 12 yrs), and Hannah ( 5 yrs) at the time wanted to come home with me .. so of coarse I said "sure".
I will never forget what happened next.. God whispered in my ear..
We were at the light on Hwy.190 in Livingston.. and a thought ( whisper from God) came to me.. I looked at Big James and said .. "look at me , I'm ok!!!! " He said " ok yeah, and?" ( puzzled at what I was thinking)...
"I said look its almost been 6 years since James died , and I used to have this big empty place in my heart, I used to cry all the time.. now look God has healed my heart. I still miss him , but I'm OK ." he said yeah... But little did I know that's around the every moment Michael crossed over ..  From Earth to Eternity .. and God whispered in my ear for reassurance " your gonna be ok , I will heal your heart again" ....................
My evening went as normal James went on to work, I had my three little one, Bailey my 5 month old crier was having her typical evening crying session, where I had to swaddle her,and bounce her..
The other James 6yrs and Zoe 3yrs at the time were playing around the house with Hannah while Tony my little brother found it amusing to aggravate them.. ( giggle:- )  ) .........
Then the moment of truth came ... my mother and step dad came walking through my back door, I remember this moment as it happened 1 minute ago.. I was at the sink... my arm still in badges from my biopsy..Bailey swaddled in my right arm... and I turned and looked at her...... I will never forget she never told me Michael was dead.. I turned to look at her and I saw it.. I knew in my spirit man.. I can't totally explain why, I just did.. I said" O no momma, not Michael" and she went to shake her head yes.... and I took off... it total agony .. I ran... I ran to my room... and fell with Bailey in my arms ... and sobbed and sobbed .... I felt life as I knew it was over... and it was! I felt angry , I felt the deepest pain in the depths of my soul, I felt lost, I felt abandoned... I felt ALONE!!  I was only 23 .. a mother of 3, and had just lost my second brother.. "why God am I always losing" ... " Why God do you take those I love" .... You know I immediately started thinking on what exactly I just lost.. I just lost my best bud.. my friend, my inside jokes, my brother, my babies uncle, my future nieces & nephews.. my hugs, and " I love you Robins" ... and brother I horse played with, told jokes, laughed.. shared our hearts, and dreams... I lost!!!! What was I gaining from his death? At the time, I saw NOTHING!
Several things happened in the hours ahead... But I saw another nugget from God.....
I had a friend .. Kim Sizemore.. knock at my door, just maybe an hour after I found out.. I didn't call her.. still not quite sure who did, I know someone did from church.. Our friend Jeff contacted someone from church, and someone contacted her.. I could not think at the time.. I could not  make a single thought make sense... But ( God) sent her, as a true friend... she came to my door, asked nothing but said " what can I do" .......
She helped me alot with my children in the days ahead, and my church was so kind to help with food, and support. I am eternally grateful for her friendship, she really was the first true friend I had " in Christ" ... and it makes all the difference.. so I know that I know she was a nugget from God....
I had to take on immediate responsibility for my brothers funeral.. my mom was mush, and Michael's dad was never in his life... I had to make arrangement, pick out his coffin.. go get his clothes.. flowers, write his obituary... pick out songs.. make horrible phone calls, ugh, things I wish I would have never had to do.
I did it for him though.. my sweet baby boy...
My sister Donna and I had to do the same for my big brother James' funeral.. it just didn't seem normal..
Oh.. my heart was having to absorb too much, too fast... I went into survival mode.. till the day of his funeral
The next nuggets was during the funeral... Pastor Doyle gave a great message, but extended salvation to those at the funeral. You see my brother loved the Lord, and was in Church the night before he died. He had
an incredibly beautiful heart..that's what I loved most about him.. he was just pure hearted, and wanted to help and serve, he also played drums for years at church.. he was very gifted in that..Michael's funeral mainly consisted of people whose life he had touched.. there was soo many people I met, that he had helped in some way.. an old couple, that he had seen a dead tree near there house, so he cut it down free on charge so it would fall on their house.. some one he stopped and helped when their vehicle was broke down, and developed a friendship.. there were sooo many stories... Pastor Doyle gave a salvation invitation and 10 people received Christ as their savior at his funeral.
What a blessing... I sobbed big alligator tears as I saw the Holy Spirit work in his death... But  now came the moment of truth.. could I say Good-bye.. see you later baby boy....
As tears flowed and friends said there farewells to  my brother.. I felt something settling on the inside.. This is it Robin.. this will be the last time you see his face, until you meet in Heaven. NO!!! I said NO!! I can't do this again God.. Please don't make me do this again.. make it all be a really bad dream God, Please wake me up.. No.. God ..No!!
I couldn't release at that moment.. I wasn't okay with what was happening...
They played the song " One More Day" by Diamond Rio... and Oh I just wanted one last time to hold him, and tell him how much I loved him, and to just have one more day with him.. All friends were gone.. it was now time for the family to say there good byes... I sat and waited .. I wanted to stay forever.. I never wanted the lid of his casket to close... I needed my brother, my friend... The longer I sat.. I anticipated God to do something to fix this.... but he didn't....
I was last ..it was my turn to say good-bye... I walked slowly to his casket.. laid myself over the side of it, and sobbed deep sorrowful tears, and my foot stopped in anger and pain... the pain was soooooo deep I felt like I was gonna die.. I ran out the side door.. I ran to my my car, locked the door, and weeped.. God make this all go away.. Please make it stop....
But again he didn't..
We buried my brother that day under a big oak tree out in the country.. next to our big brother James... My two favorite men.. their bodies lay togather 6 ft. under buried in dirt....
The next months and years would be a healing process all too familiar to me.. to real. to painful....
Life as I knew was FOREVER changed.. Many tears the Lord held in a bottle..
Once again the reality.. of Life.
I had my cancer surgery 3 days later.. quite numb to all that was happening.. But God healed me and all cancer was removed.. Praises to my healer.
My first thanksgiving and Christmas... were honestly miserable.. you see Michael literally was always at my house.. literally... every thing reminded me of him... to look at my couch was painful.. cause I would vision him laying there watching t.v... or sitting at the bar talking to me, holding Bailey while I cooked, or playing out in the yard with James and Zoe, or sitting on the floor playing playstation with James.. laughing because little James was soo competitive.. or him climbing up in the trees, thinking it was funny, to wait for me to walk by and throw something at me, and make noise  while he giggled as I would look around in bewilderment.....
These were the really tough times....I would sometimes cry grocery shopping, or at a resturant ..ugh.
The healing can be soo hard, but God is truely good and faithful..
I remember a whisper from God .... an old hymn" God on the mountain... he's still God in
the valley, when things go wrong, and they sometimes will...God in the good times, he's still God in the bad times." Yes God I am hearing you I would say... He would reaffirm his Lordship in my life, he would reaffirm his love for me, and he would reaffirm, my strength is in him.
Not long after his death  911 happened.. wow, I felt the pain of those who lost that day.. I cried with them and prayed for them.. but I was also reminded by God.. this Earth is temporary and he is coming back and that's when he gave me a promise to stand on ... 1 Thessalonians 4: 13-18  " I would  not have you
ignorant brethren about those who fall asleep( in death) , that you may not grieve ( for them) as the rest do who have no hope( beyond the grave) .vs 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will also bring with him through Jesus those who have fallen asleep ( in death). Vs 17 then we the living ones who remain ( on the Earth), shall simultaneously be caught up along with the resurrected dead in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air: and so always ( through the eternity of the eternities ) we shall be with the Lord ! Therefore comfort and encourage one another with these words.
Oh the blessed Promises of the word of God, brings HOPE, and Healing.. and nothing else..Had the Lord not led me to this in his words, I believe I would have grown way to weary.. But the beautiful nugget of his word....
I sit today reflecting on this day that was dreadfully painful 10 years ago... and I see the Hand of God.. I see the blessed assurance, I feel his restoring grace, and his enduring love... Yes he did , as I said at the beginning " Look at me,, I'm ok, God has healed my heart.."  and he has.. Yes I loved those guys.. my brothers, but now with hope I am grateful for the promise.. I am grateful for the glory God receives, I am grateful the for time I was blessed with them.. the love and friendship, I am grateful God choose me to be their sister..
So in all things I give Thanks ... for the Lord is good and his mercies endure forever.I thank you Lord for every nugget along the way, and for all those I didn't mention.. For the nugget of true friendship, for the nugget of Love, for the nugget of assurance, and the nugget of your sustaing love..and the nugget of a great reunion day. I love you Lord, and I am incrediablly grateful for you loving me first..
So I depart this memory in saying to Michael, and James until we meet again.. I will always love you.

I take the Challenge

I just had an amazing week in North Carolina at She Speaks 2011.... I met so many lovely ladies, filled with the love of God.
So many different dreams, and visions the Lord has given to them... I see his hand reaching the world through his saints. Words could probably not adequately describe what I encountered this week. I was challenged in so many ways, inspired, encouraged, and captivated. Shelly and I , we laughed cried, we lost things, we found things,lol. We ate amazing food, had great worship.. met amazing woman like Ann Voskamp, Lisa Terkuerst, and Renee Swoope.. to say the least, and so so many more. We stayed in the Embassy Suites Spa and Resort, it was just delightfully beautiful and luxurious.
But I have to say, I was Challenged by  Ann Voskamp to live a life open handed to God.. Gratitude.I must admit I have found myself tight fisted many times in my life... Through the loss of my brothers, divorce, things that hurt deeply. God reminded me to be grateful even in the midst of the most difficult circumstances. Wow, its hard to be grateful burying your big brother, protector and friend. How do you say thank you for having to say good- bye again 6 yrs later to your little brother who is only 20 yrs.old ...Or when after 10 yrs. of marriage you are faced to raise your children alone...or you just feel completely alone, how do you say thank you when you have tried to be faithful to the Lord, to have so much tragedy come your way.
How do you be grateful, for the pain.. for the thing that hurts the most...I don't think it is neccesiarly grateful for the bad things that happen.. I don't believe God expects you to say " Lord I thank you for my brother dying", or "Lord I thank you for my divorce".. but rather " Lord I thank you that you are my savior, you are my healer, that your mercies are made new every day".. Jesus lived a life of gratitude to the father.. consistently living a life of gratefulness even to the cross. Ephesians 5:20 In all times for everything Give thanks in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God the Father."   Regardless what we are going through be thankful for Jesus, because as long as we have Jesus we have all we really need... He is the way, the Truth and the Life......
So I am challenged to look at  things in Life from a different perspective...
" O Give thanks to the Lord for he is good and his mercies  and loving-kindness endure forever".

Love has the final say......

I start my first blog tonight somewhat  free handed.. I just felt lead to take time to  write what is on my heart.
Its been a day of frustrations for me for the most part. I have been trying to prepare for the  " She Speaks "
conference I am attending at the end of the month. I have alot of preparing to do, and feel I have been very busy lately, with high maintenance people,lol.
I keep thinking , is this something I should do, if it has been so hard? I don't want to  neglect those who need me, so maybe I should just lay it down,call the ministry and say let some  other deserving lady who was on the waiting list take my place.
And the Lord reminds me His Grace is sufficient... He is made perfect in my weakness because he does love me. He has the final say... not my circumstances.

I look around I see so many things going wrong, yet so many things going right, and the Lord spoke to my heart.. " Love has the final say"...I pondered on that for a little while, and asked what do you mean Lord, and he says " I have the final say"... For I am God, and God is Love.

So my God of Love has the final say in your life and in my life.
It doesn't matter what people say , or what people do.. Who's support we have or don't have.
Who makes the journey pleasant, or unpleasant.. none of this really matters.
When all is said in done, did we walk in a love relationship with the Lover of our soul, our savior, and with others.

Do you really trust me with this Robin?  Do you believe that I am more than able to bring you through
sucessfully . Do you believe that " I " love you enough to help you, " I " love you enough to guide you. I  know you say you do, but do you? Do you compare the love of humans with my love.... Where they have failed you, let you down,  or turned on you.Do you preceive my love like that , in doubt and fear.
Do we fully know what LOVE is ?
Love is a  beautiful word, greatly distorted by the ruler of darkness.  So many people associate Love with pain, and disappointment, because it was used and abused wrongly.
But  REAL TRUE LOVE ~
True Love from throne of God Love is the Most beautiful gift ever.
Its the Love every soul longs for and searches for......
Its love that hung on a Cross, paid the highest price , that we could have eternal life.
Its  the Love that compelled and drew you to the heart of the Father, to receive salvation.
Its the Love of the Holy Spirit hovering over a church ministering to the lost and to the saints
Its the Love of a husband sacrificing for his wife and children.
Its the Love of a wife choosing to respect her husband, when he might have let her down
Its the Love of a mother who wakes in the wee hours of the night with her sick baby, and never complains.
Its the Love of a child as he/she picks flowers for their mommy.
Its the Love of a friend that you can pour your heart out to ,and they never judge,or condemn you, but keep you heart guarded and protected from gossip.
Its the Love of Unity... choosing to walk in love, regardless of our differences for the glory of God.
And all this love only comes from the throne of God.

Why have we made a mess of such a beautiful Gift.......
Society... has mocked Love...I love M&Ms ..I love this store, I love that movie.. ect..
People date 2 weeks and declare an undying love.." I will always Love you"

Really......
 Well according to the word .. Love is not how society has based it..... on things.. or infatuation.
For real love is as1 Corinthians 13 declares that..... Love is patient, Love is Kind , Love does not envy ; Love does not boast, Love is not rude, Love  is not self seeking , Love is not provoked, thinks no evil.
It does not rejoice in iniquity , but rejoices in the truth. Bears all things, believes all things, endures all things. Love NEVER fails .....(vs) 13 and now abide faith, hope , love these three, but the greatest is LOVE ....

Love( God) Conquers all according to the word..in actuality the word is saying God conquers all... so why is it so hard to Love .. Why is it so hard to walk in Love at times. We want to defend and protect ourselves from those who wrong us.. when yet the greatest challenge I believe that was givin to men kind was ...... Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, and do good to those who dispitefully use you.
Sometimes I think really God, how is this possible. My happiness depends on this.
But I am starting to think the whole point to that is to keep us in right relationship with him.. its partly showing others what Christ was like on the cross, and we are to be in his likeness, and part of it is, it is more important to stay in right relationship with the Father , not make a mockery of Christ, and not quench the spirit... than to always win and be right.
Nothing escapes the Fathers eyes, he is our battle fight... He is just. 
I believe this is the beauty of the Cross. A perfect man.. who did no wrong loved us
enough to sacrifice it all ..
So in every day life.. when people are rubbing us like sand paper, we are tested and tried. We are fed up at our wits ends, we have to make a choice to go back to the cross.. where love was so amazing, get on our knees pray, read our word, and ask the Holy Spirit to help us. Cause I truely believe this commandment of Love is IMPOSSIBLE without a constant abiding in Christ. John 15:5

and in all else in our lives Trust the LOVE of the Father.. For no one knows love, nor gives love like the creator of Love..

Loving God & Loving His People
Robin